A few thoughts which came upon me on a walk.

I just returned from a walk in the early morning.

It was not early enough, for the moments between night and dawn had already passed. That magic void between light and darkness, when it feels as though the forces of the day are besieging the night, who is gradually expelled. When the battles rage silently in a frozen world, only embodied by the lanterns whose shine gradually fades, being engulfed by the ghostly radiance of the sun. The golden shadows they cast on the dark blue plaster are devoured into the grey monotony of a world between worlds, while the battle cries of the two times mute the rest of the air, shrouding it in a most calming silence setting the stages for the so easily overheard gentle whisper of the leaves in the light breeze and the endlessly motioning waves of the river.
Alas, I had come too late for the siege of the night. Its forces were already retreating, and only the thinnest veil remaining upon the land indicated its former presence. The light had captured the lanterns and becoming obsolete they were turned off far too quickly. And yet the sun had not yet performed its triumphant march into the captured fortress, and its inhabitants still remained cowering in their sheets, letting the silence echo through the still empty streets.

When I went down to the Rhine, I was delighted to see that his water level had reached its former height. No longer were the barren scars of the drought tainting his shores, and he had reclaimed the land he once paved into the rocks. Like an old friend recovering from an illness to see him having regained his strength was heartening. He had, however, left me a small dry space beneath the flight of stairs leading down to him, where I would stay to stare out into his waters. So crystal clear it was at its outer reaches, not hiding the rubble and stones beneath his waves but having laid his fatherly hands upon them as to shield them from any evil, stroking them lovingly with his endearing waves.

O to stand by his side blesses the time spent there. I would compare it to the one spent with a lover, but this would be wrong. Within the sight of his rippling surface the time is washed away in a most kind manner, running down the mighty stream without you noticing it was missing, as all your worries and doubts were carried away with it leaving you in but the admiration for his beauty, pouring out minute after minute. Whereas to be with a loved one is nothing like this. Normally, whether one has fun or is grieving, the time is torn from you violently. Without noticing, hours have passed, and all they leave behind are a void (one which the river at least floods with his diamond-like fluid). Like the grains of sand in an hourglass second after second, minute after minute, hour after hour rain down the endless abyss of one's life, escaping one's grasp and piling up at the bottom like the dirt they are. But the moment one rests next to the side of a beloved one, these grains of sand turn into gold dust. Shining most brightly whenever they flow down the stream of time, so valuable and beautiful that you want to hold on to them. No, it's more akin to honey. The usual stream of empty water pouring down the days turns golden and stringy, not simply rushing past unnoticeable but slowly stretching out, bestowing upon you the blessing of being able to enjoy the most endlessly sweet taste of every millimetre it moves, mesmerising you with its golden colour, making one desire to not just let it run by without indulging most deeply in it. Every second prolongs and seems to extend into a much longer period of time, becoming filled with the bliss which not hours could grant one.

I need to take walks more often, for they are so infinitely fulfilling. They seem to fix all that is wrong, bridging the gaps between my thoughts, the wind blowing out the dust having collected in my mind. If there is a chain connecting me to the world and its flow, then these walks are the missing links. Completing the connection and once again making me one with myself and existence.

My views on greed.

Be it in everyday life, relationships, global economic and political affairs or numerous examples from history, without exceptions all dukkha* caused and/or endured by humans can be traced back to the petty emotion of greed. It causes nothing but destruction and self-destruction.

It would be logical to therefore brand it as the devil and try to banish it from human minds. While indeed this might make for a more peaceful and harmonic world, it would also be a stagnating and meaningless one. Aside from the will to survive (which might be seen as an offspring of it as well), greed is the only thing driving humans onward, making them live their lives, if yet sometimes at the expense of the happiness of others or even their own. Stagnation is unnatural, everything must evolve and change.

Furthermore, trying to eradicate greed entirely would be a futile attempt anyway. We are human, and therefore it is an integral part of us. It is simply impossible to entirely remove it. Even if one succeeds in removing all superficially selfish desires and lives a "selfless" life "only serving others" and being helpful, this person would still be greedy. If they depend their own happiness on that of others, aiding fellow people in trouble and making them happy would be a gain for themselves as well, and in the end they would end up as nothing but hypocrites, serving their own needs under the pretext of only caring about others, whether they are aware of it or not. If yet their actions would be admirable and have positive effects, but my point is the philosophy behind it.

I once tried to eradicate all my own greed, and that was nearly as foolish as previously submitting to it in blindness. Realising the above, I came into a never-ending conflict, or rather war, with myself as my reason, my wishes, and my desires to fight and suppress all my desires (which is obviously already a hypocrisy in itself) clashed constantly and threw me into a state of internal unrest and confusion.
Eventually, I came to the conclusion that neither extreme can be the real thing. Greed is an essential part of human existence, even if it is the most dangerous and vile thing within us if left to flourish freely. Thus, I decided that in order to live a harmonic life in peaceful coexistence with the world and its inhabitants, I would also have to achieve the same within me. My solution was the acceptance of my wishes, but with the constant knowledge and realisation that they must not under any circumstances be allowed to do as they please, and require the constant surveillance and control of my reason and morals.

And indeed, the very moment I came to accept that I have desires that cannot be simply purged from existence, I immediately became more harmonic and collected.
My only problem however is that I still do not have full control over myself. On occasions, I repeat past mistakes without noticing and accidentally give my greed too much freedom. I have yet to find a way as to how I can achieve absolute hegemony over my mind, sadly.

Yet while underlying wishes are indeed necessary and required if I want to go somewhere with my life, at the same time I still consider it a highly important thing to be content with the present. Being grateful and happy for what I experience and possess without clinging to and obsessing with it in the desire to make it last, while at the same time avoiding to long for anything that I was not already gifted with or what I lost; based on the position that I "deserve" nothing and that everything positive I receive is a blessing that I am required to cherish and be grateful for (due to it being an additional and kind gift) while everything negative I must accept without grudges as I simply am not entitled to demand something better.
I work to achieve this state of mind and hope that every part of me will eventually fully accept these terms, that while my greed might subtly continue to move me towards more distant goals it will not disturb the flow of the present.


*"dukkha" is a term derived from Buddhism, which can be translated to bear various meanings ranging from "suffering", over "sorrow", or "disturbance", to "disharmony". I value it for this variety and considered it a very accurate expression for what intended to say.